Channelling Eric Cartman
Nov. 29th, 2004 02:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabensonThe annual struggle to maintain a respectable patience level has descended upon me again. Holiday shopping you ask? No. That would be too easy. I can move through the mall slamming into people that piss me off and blame it on "crowding". It is time to
It started yesterday. We bought some Candy-Cane lights for the sidewalk leading upto the house. These light need to be assembled. Bastards! I tried snapping the candy-cane shell on, as I did with my jack-o-lantern lights. The shell broke. Sonuvabitch! I was cold and hungry. I lost my patience and booted that muthafucka across the yard. It shattered into a trillion pieces. My elderly neighbor, Isiah,a really cool dude who was decorating his house at the same time, just laughed at me. "Better tell Mrs CB about that plastic in the yard before she tries to mow again." I'm thinking that Mrs CB can find out on her goddamned own as I just nod my head toward him and briefly consider stealing his fake leg. Bet he won't laugh then. And just where is Mrs CB? She is sitting in the warm house drinking cocoa and reading a magazine. I am freezing my ass off outside and punting plastic yard ornaments. See, she is "decorating-challenged" and can't figure out how to hook up all of the lights and timers. So she wisely stays out of my way. After kicking the candy cane, I realized that I had to remove the extra light sequence from the main light cord. In an attempt to be inclusive , I asked my science teacher wife which wire to cut. She had me cut the wire that took out the entire thread of lights. Needless to say, she did not get lucky last night. Now, I have nine stinking lights and a big blob of red electrical tape holding it all together. At least it looks like a candy fucking cane.
The good times continue today. My day off and I get to clean and decorate instead of writing smut and downloading porn (onto the wife's PC, not mine ;) I got the new midget fiber optic tree out and put it on top of the entertainment center. Like the cats won't get at it there- but hey, not my call this year. I was putting light clips up for our Santa Hat lights when one of the clips sprang off and hit me in the eye. Yep, it's all good and fun till ya get a clip in the eye. More foul language followed as I hung up the lights only to find I was missing a Santa Hat. Four cats stared at me innocently as I searched the living room, threatening to make mittens of them all. I found it fifteen minutes later in the office (with the fifth cat)...covered in cat spit. Fuckers. Cute little fuzzy fuckers, but fuckers no less.
I was about to go do the exterior lights when it began to rain. Thank you, Jesus! We have four large Christmas Tree shaped bushes in front of the garden that I light up each year. Now I have an additional day to figure out how to get the lights to say "FUCK BUSH" before I put them up. I usually run additional lights around the cement window ledge and the wrought iron post, but I took all the clips down when I painted this summer. I think I'll just throw the lights into the multitude of bushes surrounding the house and leave it at that. I am going with blue lights this year.
Tonight I shall build my Emerald City. I am a closet Wizard of Oz fan. I even have the Tinman sitting on my computer. And don't go losing respect for me as a hard-ass...we all have secrets! I know you do! Tell me, you'll feel better. Anyway, my mom has bought me the Hallmark Wizard of Oz decorations every year since they first came out. It is basically the only holiday tradition we still have- unless my sister comes home and the drunken fighting begins. Last year, I built a Yellow Brick Road to display them...this year, I shall add an Emerald City background. And quite possibly some pics of Idina Menzel, if I can slip them past the wife.
Ah...Teh Wife. She just called to say we are having Mexican for dinner and that she'll take everything back to the basement when I am done. I do love her so. Even when she is techno-tarded.
It started yesterday. We bought some Candy-Cane lights for the sidewalk leading upto the house. These light need to be assembled. Bastards! I tried snapping the candy-cane shell on, as I did with my jack-o-lantern lights. The shell broke. Sonuvabitch! I was cold and hungry. I lost my patience and booted that muthafucka across the yard. It shattered into a trillion pieces. My elderly neighbor, Isiah,a really cool dude who was decorating his house at the same time, just laughed at me. "Better tell Mrs CB about that plastic in the yard before she tries to mow again." I'm thinking that Mrs CB can find out on her goddamned own as I just nod my head toward him and briefly consider stealing his fake leg. Bet he won't laugh then. And just where is Mrs CB? She is sitting in the warm house drinking cocoa and reading a magazine. I am freezing my ass off outside and punting plastic yard ornaments. See, she is "decorating-challenged" and can't figure out how to hook up all of the lights and timers. So she wisely stays out of my way. After kicking the candy cane, I realized that I had to remove the extra light sequence from the main light cord. In an attempt to be inclusive , I asked my science teacher wife which wire to cut. She had me cut the wire that took out the entire thread of lights. Needless to say, she did not get lucky last night. Now, I have nine stinking lights and a big blob of red electrical tape holding it all together. At least it looks like a candy fucking cane.
The good times continue today. My day off and I get to clean and decorate instead of writing smut and downloading porn (onto the wife's PC, not mine ;) I got the new midget fiber optic tree out and put it on top of the entertainment center. Like the cats won't get at it there- but hey, not my call this year. I was putting light clips up for our Santa Hat lights when one of the clips sprang off and hit me in the eye. Yep, it's all good and fun till ya get a clip in the eye. More foul language followed as I hung up the lights only to find I was missing a Santa Hat. Four cats stared at me innocently as I searched the living room, threatening to make mittens of them all. I found it fifteen minutes later in the office (with the fifth cat)...covered in cat spit. Fuckers. Cute little fuzzy fuckers, but fuckers no less.
I was about to go do the exterior lights when it began to rain. Thank you, Jesus! We have four large Christmas Tree shaped bushes in front of the garden that I light up each year. Now I have an additional day to figure out how to get the lights to say "FUCK BUSH" before I put them up. I usually run additional lights around the cement window ledge and the wrought iron post, but I took all the clips down when I painted this summer. I think I'll just throw the lights into the multitude of bushes surrounding the house and leave it at that. I am going with blue lights this year.
Tonight I shall build my Emerald City. I am a closet Wizard of Oz fan. I even have the Tinman sitting on my computer. And don't go losing respect for me as a hard-ass...we all have secrets! I know you do! Tell me, you'll feel better. Anyway, my mom has bought me the Hallmark Wizard of Oz decorations every year since they first came out. It is basically the only holiday tradition we still have- unless my sister comes home and the drunken fighting begins. Last year, I built a Yellow Brick Road to display them...this year, I shall add an Emerald City background. And quite possibly some pics of Idina Menzel, if I can slip them past the wife.
Ah...Teh Wife. She just called to say we are having Mexican for dinner and that she'll take everything back to the basement when I am done. I do love her so. Even when she is techno-tarded.
