Sunday String Tales

[cabenson]

For those that don't know, I had a good-sized abscessed cyst removed from my lower back last Thursday. There is a nice little hole in my back that is currently filled with "packing" and part of the packing protrudes from the wound (waiting to be removed tomorrow morning). Since the wound is right next to my surgical scar, Mrs. CB and I comfortably fell back in to the "clean and bandage" routine that we established several years ago. This morning, Smokey decided to watch the happenings and all I could think about was him grabbing that piece of packing sticking out of my back and taking off with it. And believe it or not, that imagined scenario reminded me of a true story.



My stepfather (Daddy #2 to those who are counting) is a very, VERY big man. He is also a prejudiced, chauvinistic pig and my mother and I are never afraid to call him on it. About ten years ago, he came downstairs and complained to my poor, poor mother that his asshole hurt when he tried to go to the bathroom. She brushed it off as him having hemorrhoids and sent him off to work. A few hours later he comes home in terrible rectal agony. Now Mom is concerned that he has colo-rectal cancer so they rush off to the ER. Turns out my stepdad had a nasty abscess inside of his poop-shoot (no doubt due to his truly "toxic" waste) and he underwent emergency surgery. Like mine, his wound was packed with packing, only his hung out of his asshole, waiting until the doc removed it. In the meantime, he was instructed to wear a feminine hygiene pad because these abscess things seep like a muthafucka. He's feeling better and we all go to his mom's house to celebrate someone's birthday. Mom and Stepdad are joking about his surgery and Stepdad starts dancing around saying he's "on his period." Well, don't you know he shook that maxie pad loose and it fell down his pants leg in front of everyone? And of course we all laughed at him, because that is what we do in our family-there is no sympathy for assholishness.

Now, you may think that was the gist of the story, but wait! There is more. Several days later, Stepdad still had the packing in him and it was time for it to be removed. He didn't want to go back to the doc so he talked my mom into doing it. Removing packing can be painful, so of course my mom, being the sadistic bitch she is, was more than willing. This is how she described the "procedure": I walk in and here is Stepdad, all 300 lbs of him, on his hands and knees on top of the bed with his ass sticking out. I grabbed hold of the string that was out, and when Stepdad made some comment about it resembling a tampon, I pulled on that motherfucker (Yes, my mom uses pretty words) like I was starting a lawnmower. Let him say being on your period is 'nothing" after that.

Just another day in the life of Cabenson.

Mrs.CB and I went to look at cars yesterday. If we both get cars on the same day, we have been told that we will get a better deal. We looked at the Toyota Matrix and RAV 4- both of us loved the Matrix and I like the RAV 4 except the rear door opens sideways. We also looked at the Mazda 3-5 door and the new CX-7- LOVED the #-5 door, the CX-7 is purty, but the low fuel efficiency is a deal breaker. Then we went to Honda and took a look at the new Honda Fit. Tiny car, reminds me of my 1980 Dodge Colt. But it feels very roomy inside and the seats all fold up/down to make all kinds of room. I looked at the CRX and it's pretty sweet to. Then we saw the Civic Hybrid. 45/51 MPG , loaded at $22,500. Sweet price for a hybrid. Today we are gonna check out Fords, Hyundai, and Subaru. I gotta admit, I could be very happy with a Matrix or Mazda3 instead of a larger car. If I could just get Mrs. CB to avoid the Subaru Baja...

Comments

[sweetgingertea.livejournal.com]

OMG. What craziness!

Good luck with the new car choices. I love my little Ford. But Hondas are pretty sweet...

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

My family...what can I say?

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

And believe it or not, that imagined scenario reminded me of a true story.
::wiping eyes::

Oh, god, thank you. That was priceless.

::running off to show Mr. ciroccoj::

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

I told my mom I was posting that story and she started laughing...ten years later and all we have to do is say "butt abscess" and we crack up

[heathers.livejournal.com]

Have you looked into the Honda CRV? I've had friends with both back and knee problems buy that car because of ease of getting seated/comfort driving and riding. I've ridden in older CRVs (think 1-3 years after debut) and the only thing I found unpleasant was the tight shocks. It made for a very jarring ride if you're travelling on bumpy and/or poorly maintained roads. Anyhow, it's worth a look. By the same token the Subaru Forrester would probably do pretty well by you, too.

-H

PS I'm a Subaru gal but I think the Baja is a ridiculous bit of nostalgia disguised as a SUV. Ptooey!

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

Ohh dude! We are going to test drive Hondas this weekend. I like the CRV, but then I saw the cute little FIT. I just don't know if I'd fit into it.

I think it's gonna be a toss up between the RAV4 (which I drove yesterda and LOVED!), the CRV and the Forrester. It's gonna depend more on what the little woman wants because we'll get a great deal if we buy both cars at the same place.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Oh, bwahahahahaha...Mrs. CB is right, you really need to write a memoir about your family. You'd make a mint.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

They are CRAZY people...

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

Okay, the Baja is adorable, and it is a babe magnet.

Don't I deserve a butchy little toy after all the times I've been your nursey, nursey?

[bluepoet.livejournal.com]

First off, good luck with the car shopping. :)

Second, that's a fucking awesome--albeit disgusting--story. Loved it! I hope Mrs. CB is being a little more gentle with your packing.

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

I am delicate when it comes to my patients. My mom is a nurse. I know the importance of calm and bedside manners.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

getting your hole packed can really, REALLY hurt!

[bluepoet.livejournal.com]

I keep thinking of packing like packing suitcases, and it's such a strange image.

[stephbrandes.livejournal.com]

How's that cyst healing?

Funny ass story too.

I love the RAV4......buy it.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

How's that cyst healing?
S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! I have to get the wound cleaned and repacked every 3-4 days and OMG! how that hurts.

[jandyle.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I went to the doctor with a friend a few years ago who had to get an abscessed cyst on her tailbone drained. Let me tell you, it is only a *really* good friend that I would do such a thing for. ;)