cabenson | OMG! Fic!!!!

For:

fickitten who wanted Alex/Olivia fluff and snark
Author:

cabenson
Written for the Guns and Microscopes Ficathon
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex and Olivia
Spoilers: Pre-Ghost, Post Ghost, Pre-Conviction
Rating: R for language
Word total: 1000 exactly
Warning: This is a codeine induced parody that mocks everyone in the SVUverse. Do NOT take the story seriously.
A/N: My apologies for the lateness due to illness
Thanks to

stargazer1960 for the beta.

“Casey, what the hell do you mean, ‘We lost the Dickman case’? Last year you take on the Department of Defense and this year you couldn’t successfully prosecute a parking ticket if the car was parked up your a—“

“Olivia, that’s enough!” Elliot whispered as he pulled his partner away from the cowering attorney. “You can’t keep attacking Novak every time you start missing Cabot.”

Olivia pulled her arm out of Elliot’s grasp and glared at him. “I wouldn’t miss Alex so much if Munch hadn’t convinced Casey that I would do her if she bleached her hair blonde. This morning I heard Fin saying Casey would look hot in glasses!”

“That’s no excuse for you to tear into her every time you see her. Try to limit to once a week, it’s starting to look suspicious.”

“Elliot, what happened to sticking up for your partner? After all the times I’ve stood—“

“Who’s talking bullshit now, Liv? Huh? Wait, do you smell that?” Elliot asked as he looked around the bullpen.

Olivia sniffed the air and started walking toward the squad room door. “El, I swear, that smells like Eau de Ice Queen, and only Alex- wait, do you hear that?” Both detectives turned toward the sound that could only be Jimmy Choos clicking across marble tiles. Olivia smiled excitedly as she looked at her partner and exclaimed, “Oh my god, she’s back!”

“Who’s back?” Munch asked as he walked up to Elliot and raised a questioning eyebrow in Olivia’s direction.

“I’m back,” a statuesque blonde replied haughtily as she made a beeline for Olivia.

“Alex, sweetie!!! You’re home! Save me from these fuckheads,” Olivia cried as she threw herself into Alex’s arms.

“Whoa, baby, it’s good to see you too. And it looks like there’s more of you to see.”
Oh honey bear, I warned you that your dozen-a-day Krispy Kreme habit was going to come back and bite you in that fine ass of yours one day.”

“Oh Alex, I’ve been a little depressed since you left last year, and I didn’t want to turn to booze or start having anonymous one night stands again, so I …”

“It’s okay, sugar lumps; we’ll just have to work it off, won’t we?” Alex answered as she slowly licked her lips.

“I’m gonna tell Cragen I need immediate leave, for like six weeks. Maybe if these assholes had to work without me, they might appreciate everything I do to make this city and the whole world a better place.”

“You do that babe while I get reacquainted with a few of your co-workers,” Alex answered as she watched Olivia waddle toward Captain Cragen’s office. Before Elliot could ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Alex threw a smile in his direction, and silently mouthed, “Get me a latte?” before turning her attention to the small crowd standing behind the desks.

“Fin, Munch, glad you got to see me, now get lost.”

The two detectives looked at each other then shrugged their shoulders as they joined Elliot and walked away.

“Nice to see the bitch is back,” Munch said a little too loudly.

Fin looked back at the glaring blonde and nodded his head, “Yeah man, next time maybe I’ll cap her ass myself.”

Alex smiled as she trained her eyes on SVU’s current ADA. She innocently winked at Casey and then crooked her finger, urging Casey to join her.

Casey nervously walked over to Alex and stood there quietly, rocking on her heels, waiting to hear what the Not-So-Late, Great Alex Cabot had to say. She noticed that she hadn’t even come close to coloring her hair the same shade as Alex. Everything she did was a failure.

“Casey,” Alex spoke quietly, pulling the younger ADA closer, “I am returning to my life here in New York and I plan to reclaim everything that I had before I was forced into Witness Protection.”

“Everything?” Casey whimpered.

“EVERYTHING- my job, my hair color, my woman! You hit on her one more time, I tell Velez that you are planning to have him indicted. You won’t live to see the sun go down, got it?”

“Velez? But isn’t he trying to kill you?”

“Let’s jut say that Mr. Velez and I have come to an understanding. Don’t give me a reason to let him start hunting Manhattan ADA’s again.”

“Okay, but …”

“But nothing, Novak. You want a member of this department to call your own, I hear Elliot is single and looking for some fun.”

“He is?

“Yep, and he really loves redheads, so why don’t you take this case of Henna and go home. Don’t come back until you look like Marcia Cross, got it?”

Casey cautiously looked at the tall, slender blonde and slowly nodded her head.

“Then go!” Alex growled as she stomped her foot. Casey took off like a startled rabbit and after bumping into not one, but two desks, finally made her way out of the squad room.

The door to the captain’s office opened and Olivia shuffled out of the office with Cragen following close behind. “Counselor,” he said, a tight smile cutting across his Muppet-like face, “welcome home!” He pulled Alex into a tight embrace, slowly rubbing his hands across Alex’s back, only relinquishing his grip when he felt the barrel of Olivia’s gun against his temple.

Olivia grabbed Alex’s hand and looked at her lover excitedly. “Snookums, as of right now, I have been assigned ‘Special Duty’ and will be your personal body guard as you get used to being you again.”

“I’d like to remind you both that ‘Special Duty’ does not include having sex on my desk’” Cragen said as he walked back toward his office. “I can’t afford the Scotch Guard bills.”

Olivia turned toward Alex and grinned. “What now, Pookie?”

“First thing we need to do is get you a haircut. Let’s go!”

Olivia wrapped her arm around Alex’s waist as they walked out, quietly singing, “The bitch is back…”