CB's Question of the Day

[cabenson]

Yesterday, after having lunch (margaritas!!) and getting some crap for the house, Mrs. CB and I hit the comic book store. Nothing grabbed our attention (except for the convo between two guys who will both NEVER get laid) so we grabbed a couple of the local indy rags and went home.

Later, Mrs. CB read the following personal ad:

Professional, Jewish shemale priest ISO (in search of) para or quadraplegic Asian ladyboy for nude communion and wheelchair races.

People really submit this stuff?!


So my question is:

If you were to write your LJ personal ad, how would it read?

Anonymous comments welcome and IP tracking is turned off, so be honest and have at it.

I gotta take fat bastard to the vet

Comments

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

Zealous Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in shiny satin tights and knee-high red rubber boots, fighting for our right to wear over-sized eye-glasses and headbands.
You got gold bullet-deflector bracelets and golden lasso? You get extra points.
You look like Linda Carter? You get extra points.
You got an invisible plane? Marry me.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

This sounds suspiciously like something Mrs. CB would write. Don't be surprised if she answes :)

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

Don't be surprised if she answes :)

does she own a plane? ;)

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

If she does, she hasn't told me ;)

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

Don't need one.
"Zephyr winds that blow on high,
lift me now so I can Fly."

Isis was a science teacher.

[sooozie1982.livejournal.com]

That is..a really specific personal ad. Haha.

Idiot seeks clingy, childish, manipulative man for a few years of mind games. Must either be attached to mom's apron strings, or totally estranged. Normal men need not apply.

At least, that should be my personal. That's all I can attract it seems! Haha!

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

You poor thing! You know that ad is just gonna attract Rob even more.

How is old mfans.com anyway?

[cleo]

White southern farmer single mother republican lesbian with a mother complex seeks woman between 45 and 65 with wants to be a mother complex to match.

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

White southern farmer single mother republican lesbian

what a pedigree!! that alone would get you a phone call! :)

[cleo]

LOL! I wonder if it would generate even more interest if I added "grad student" to this list.

Good times.

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

not that I would know, because I am *significantly* younger...

I imagine "grad student" would probably attract the notice of more than one woman between 45 and 65...

Cheers! :)

[cleo]

Ooh, tempting. My girlfriend better watch out. Ha!

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

seeks woman between 45 and 65 with wants to be a mother complex

Whoo, just missed the cut. Sorry for your loss, but I too am much too young to respond to your add. although grad student might have done it for me

[cleo]

I am devistated! I can make exceptions, you know. My girlfriend is 23...

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Fat neurotic slacker, seeks someone of great patience and a splendid rack. Greatest dream is to write operetta based on Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Still remembers Space: 1999 episodes in their entirety. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, but I'll make us a pitcher of martinis afterwards and you won't remember a thing.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

Isn't this how we met, you know, before we met at Promises?

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

I remember it well: Bayonne, New Jersey. You moved like a thoroughbred with a hernia as you auditioned for the lead in "Total Eclipse!" I was mesmerized, during rehearsals, by the way you spun around and sang, "Every now and then I fall apart!!" And then you did it, darling, you did fall apart: You tripped over one of the dancers and fell into the seats. It's not your fault, you were wearing your swimgoggles in anticipation of the big underwater number. Despite the fact that we gave you emergency martinis, you were never the same again and your vocal range dwindled from 5 octaves to 1/6th octave.

Ah, well...at least you have the love of a fat bastard and a good woman. Even if she never told you about the invisible plane.

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

Ah, me.

I am swooning!

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

...great patience and a splendid rack

Mon petit ours polaire, I been searching, through my scope-- all oveur du monde! Le vieux Québec, Je tout suis vous cherchez...

http://www.hommepanache.com/index-en.saml

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahaha...mon Dieu! Protectez-moi from le freakshow!

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

Mon dieu...and protectez-*moi* from that icon!
Tony Montana is like shiver.

Rack man is patient, is gentle... makes documentaries,
Rack man does not use a semi-automatic machine gun but "calls" gently to Moose... "Allo, mon petit moose."

guns not patient, mon cheri-- vous misrepresent yourself personal ad- i haf been mistakgone! ::rack man heartbroken::

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Ah, Rack Man! Forgivez-moi, but I did not want to end up like ze mooses here. Besides, le semi is tres efficient...

And this is all giving me an idea for a crossover film...Tony Montana as the Rack Man. "Ahhhhh, you fuckin' MOOSE!"

And Bullwinkle as Tony Montana

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

and say hello to my little friend,

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

but I did not want to end up like ze mooses here.

OMG, I didn't get to that page. He's responsible for the demise of many a moose! What a creepy bastard!

Yes, stay away from him.

[roman-machine.livejournal.com]

See icon. ----->

Might as well get right to the point, no? :)

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

My ad:

Femme who thinks she's a butch, nerd who thinks she's a rockstar, artist who thinks she's an athlete, peacemaker who thinks she's a warrior, teacher who thinks she "can" seeks woman who celebrates being everything nobody expects of her.

[noir-moll.livejournal.com]

Lanky, cranky self-centered tomboy with foul mouth and latent redneck tendencies (has been known to shoot discarded plumbing fixtures on the side of rural roads) seeks femme fatale with legs 'til Tuesday for torrid love affair and eventual betrayal in which I'm left bleeding to death in dark alley while femme fatale flees to Buenos Aires with the loot from the heist we did...or, seeks Girl Friday with heart of gold to save me from my femme fatale fixation.